Mom

An Insufficient Post.

If I could have one wish for the rest of my life, it would be for my Mom to be happy.

For as long as I have been alive, I have watched her perform some of the most staggering feats of emotional labor that I have ever seen in another human being. She is without question the most selfless person I know.

Life has not been easy for my Mom, and sometimes I wonder about the versions of her that I have not yet seen. Who was my Mom before she was a Mom? Who was she before her first marriage ended? Was she happier? What did she like to do? What were her favorite foods? I never got to see a version of her that didn’t carry so much sadness.

I did see a version of her that sacrificed every day for the sake of her family. I watched a version of her that was treated better by acquaintances than by her own husband. I watched her clean our home, make dinner every night, read books to us, and take care of other people’s kids, all without uttering a single complaint. I will not hear of people saying that being a stay at home Mom is “easy” or that it’s “not time-consuming.” It is a deliberate and intentional sacrifice that someone makes to be with their kids. It is putting to death a part of oneself in order to be constantly available to the needs of others.

I vividly remember a conversation I had with her as a teenager. We talked about the future, about the past, about why people make certain choices. She told me that “her children are her legacy,” and I have felt ever since then that her words endowed me with a serious responsibility to demand more of my life than she ever got from hers, or else what was it all for?

What a tragedy, if my Mom has shortened her lifespan on this earth carrying the weight of a family by herself, only for it to not matter, for me to waste my time dilly-dallying.

If I could, I would ask God to start her life over so she could have more time: more time to make different decisions, more time to meet different people, to go to school longer, to be loved by more people. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works, and that’s okay. Instead, I pray for her peace, and I pray for people to love and understand her. I pray for her fresh starts and for her life to be good, as she has made mine.